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I spoke to Monsieur Hyena last night. we had the conversation about love and war, religion.... and last but not least - why are we attracted to beauty? What is beauty? Why do we see it differently. This question I intend to answer later -- but right now I have some business to attend to.
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Tuesday, September 18, 2001 |
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Learning how to use MYOB today. Accounting is a necessary but evil evil... Missing the bear. Not done much else just yet - finished writing up the plan, now I have to find out what it is I want. I feel very optimistic though incredibly frustrated aswell. I spoke with wistful girl and she told me she had spoken with her brother about insecurities about my friendship. Why do my friends never listen to me. I tell them I won't be seeing them much and they take it as a personal slight. In the last 10 minutes she has called me back twice for no good reason - including a long blurb to my flatmate. Some people are self-serving - it is bad, because she is really kind --- but so insecure that she forgets about the real idea in being with others is not to fulfil all her extreme emotional needs. I am starting to think she is using the connection between me and her brother as a reason to stay close to me. That is very very sad. It sounds callous -- but I have known her for years. It feels like betrayal when you think you know someone and insecurity presents itself as a motive for a lot of what they do. I am just speculating, it is true -- but I have also attempted to introduce her to the freedom of parting from insecurity.... and everything I see is telling me she has chosen another path.
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| Monday, September 17, 2001
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So much has happened over the last few days: I went out for drinks with my tutor. It was interesting. I wore my shirt inside out - and nobody told me. I worked it out hours later. I am starting to see that how you chill out is really important. He wants me to be successful and happy. It is so encouraging and rewarding to have an equal exchange with someone of such sound mind and character. I think he actually feels less geeky than me - and as such feels nervous sometimes. How and why people get that concept of me I don't know. He says when I start talking about IT my eyes light up - that I have drive - and that's what sets me apart. He noted that some people just do science because it sounds cool to do. I wondered how much of my attitude is this exactly - how truthful I have been with both myself and others. The reality is so different to the acuality. It is true that I love science - but I hate politics - and that in itself may be enough to drive me away. It takes a very strong person to uphold their morals and ethics in such a political environment He also told me the reason for personally training me earlier in the year was because he believes in morality and truth in science. He wanted to introduce someone to the scientific world who had some integrity - who was willing to fight for the truth. Wow. I can't believe there are people who are willing to fight through the politics of academia. He's a legend. My faith and confidence has been both restored and slighted - as he relayed the details and power scientists have to build lies in test-tubes. Getting things to happen in test-tubes is NOT in life. This is sad - as so many scientists present their conclusions as if the experiments were parallelled in vivo --- a totally different environment. Did my tax. I haven't laughed so hard in all year. It was odd to get tax done while laughing. My friend, her brother and the tax consultant were all of similar humors, so they just kept bouncing off each other. I discovered that, had I been either a murderer or a prostitute, I could have claimed expenses under those professions and the tax department wouldn't have blinked twice. I also discovered the beauty of gambling away a portion of one's income - a well-known fact I am sure... though one under-utilised by the general public. One requires imagination when dealing with tax. We also spoke about burial, cremation and the latest sara lee style graves. It was all very strange. I wasn't really in the mood to be friendly with friend's brother - because after I went out for beers with my tutor last night, I went to the bear's house - and kind of sorted things out. The next morning he was super jealous of my going out with friend's brother and assumed that I was flirtatious with him. It's weird for the bear to act jealously - but maybe he realises what he's missed. He based it all on the fact that I hadn't told this guy that I had a boyfriend. I starting hacking into a massive access book. It's really easy - but I have about 3000 pages to work through. I am working through it on a daily basis - it rocks. Missed going out with GH man, Theories man, my sister on and also my housemates on the weekend. I also missed a call from Ryan who has left to go to Colarado and try and kill himself with rockclimbing and whitewater rafting etc - with only one other person, who is not a professional either. There's ice on the ground there and given his recent mood swings - I am worried that he will try and compensate by doing extreme things. I hope nothing happens to him. Last night I saw the movie "Meet Joe Black". It was brilliant - I got so involved in it - not because of the obvious romantic connotations but because of its comments about life itself. The bear also seemed jealous of my concentration on Brad Pitt - but it was not him, but his character that captivated me - ok so the character's muscular back aswell ;-) It was the naivity and purity that was so amazing about him. There is so much beauty in truth. Death understands truth - understands life, and the sadness in life. The beauty of life is in integrity. There may be no argument with death - but we have the gifts of dignity and truth that can set us free - even in the presence of nature that can take our life away from us. It is the way we live our lives which is important. Afterwards I felt thoughtful. The bear asked whether I was reflecting about my Dad and love -- I didn't want to talk to him about it. I was wondering where the depth of love I need had gone in my life. Where the beauty and sponteneity disappeared. However intelligent the bear is - where is the gentleness, the refinement, the appreciation of beauty that I love so much. Where is peace, creativity and spontaneity? I think he knew what I was thinking. Is this what I want - is this what I need? Where is the falling in love. Do I even believe in that anymore? I got flashbacks of all we have been through - and then it made sense why my feelings are nowhere near as strong as they used to be. I felt so strongly about this at the end of the movie I nearly stood up and walked out and told him this was all wrong - that I needed to be out of it. Is that what I really feel in the depth of my heart - or is it just fantasy taking over? Earlier that day he told me how his 50 year old geophysicist flatmate had talked with him at reasonable length about how he had been condescending to me when talking about law the previous week. It was true - he had. His flatmate told him that he would never be able to speak with a jury if he communicates to them in the same way. He justifes the way he speaks to people, but inside I feel so much pain. He calls me self-centred - but he is so much this way - he has no idea. He doesn't recognise the love I have for him. I feel so sad about it. Do I let this slide and stay, or do I leave? He eventually apologised about talking down to me later in the conversation - but I had not prompted for this apology - and it was so small and unfeeling that it was meaningless. He doesn't supoort this belief with his own reasoning - so it is bound to happen again. He wasn't deliberately insincere - he doesn't realise the depth the effect of speaking to me in this way has on me. I wonder whether I only stand the treatment he gives because of my Dad. I want a better life than my Mum had. I want to feel real love. I want to life life in freedom, beauty and sponteneity - I want to live it securely. It is what I don't say no to that defines me - I know that. It a choice that depends on the recognition of definition. I can't wait for tomorrow when I have more money. I am getting stressed about dealing with uni work. Well - I guess there is only one thing that can be done for that. To put it first and not be afraid. Must join tutorial lessons this week and work my ass off... No excuses. Speaking of broken dreams...when we went to the tax lady - wistful girl's attitude became apparent. I felt like everything I had done to help her had been a waste of time. She began talking to tax lady about consulting in GIS. She cleans. She hasn't done any work in any industry but this one. To even speak about walking into a GIS job which involves self employment is pure fantasy. We all knew that - we have heard it all before - we get drawn into her conversation for hours - empty promises that she tries to keep people close to her with. Why does it matter if she's a cleaner. It doesn't. It's annoying when people set their sites for life on a few hours of work for the week - and then pretend to be doing other things when it's all lies. It's all lies. I am not going to live my life that way - supporting someone's lies. If she just came clean and said, "Hey guys - this is what I want to do - this is who I want to be" - We would say "OK - sure - if that's what makes you happy - then we are happy for you." But there is nothing worse than whinging without action. So - it's disappointing. I don't like to come to such pessemistic conclusions about people - but maybe the purpose of her actions is to serve as a warning to me about becoming too complacent. That, at this point in time is the only piece of optimism I can discover - and that suggests that I want to find more - I don't. It is up to her to try and get out of this. Maybe if she goes through the pain of separation from me it may force her to the truth of who she is and what she is doing. I hope so. She is - like many people - and like myself many times - lazy. What I have given her is unconditional. I expect nothing in return. That doesn't mean that the gift will continue to be given infinitely. How much time do you have to listen to lies? They are a waste of time and energy.
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Friday, September 14, 2001 |
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Where am I today? On the verge of belief and disbelief. Earlier today I was ecstatic - then, as the day progressed - and getting to and from places chewed up hours - I began getting disheartened. It took me 2 hours to get to a shopping center with dodgy public transport. I finally got into study at -- yep, 10:30pm... only to be faced with dysfunctional computers grinning maliciously with blue screens of death, innumerable IE faults and corrupted network issues. I called it a night while I was still sane. I am going to have to figure out a system to reduce all this time wasting. Tomorrow I see my tutor: not for tuition but for social. I don't know what to say or do. I will be glad when it's over - what is it that I will have wanted to ask him? I guess this is an opportunity - and I will choose to see it as that. It is all too easy to fear when you are not certain about yourself. I AM intelligent. Why should I fear. What am I doing on Saturday? I am getting together all my tax information to take to the accountant. I have NEVER put in a tax return. That's about 6 years of tax to work through - and a whole lot of documentation to find. I have not planned for it at all - I guess I will have to make it happen sometime. Wistful girl's brother is driving us... interesting first "date"... though I cannot afford to get involved with him. He's a nice guy - but all too blue collared. Why does this matter to me? You become like those you spend your time around. I don't want to be thinking in *that* way. It's fear of surburbia again - there has to be a word for that. Maybe on Saturday evening I will be going out.... though I would rather save the money... I would love to see a movie alone. I would see it with GH man but he doesn't seem to have contacted me after he blew me off a few weeks ago in favor of uni work. Oh this log wasn't around then. Well the reason was cool - but the way he said it wasn't. I asked to pick up some things from him because I left them at his place and he flipped out with expectations of me wanting to spend hours with him. I hate being fucked with by people's assumptions. I hate it in a big way. Today I am going to have a positive attitude about starting the day. I guess I had better go to bed and sleep. I wish there was someone here to cuddle. It's been a week since I have been hugged. I am getting major withdrawals.The angel should be coming to my city soon. I keep thinking about him - wondering how he's doing. I don't want anything to happen that I would regret. And, I would regret anything but sharing completely honest situations with him. I have been thinking about Jack Flash a bit today. I kind of wish he was around to hang out with. I wonder so often whether he is so cynical in real life or he ever believes in magic. I don't know if even I, could teach him how to smile. I can just imagine another friendship where I try, try, try, he begins to like it, but doesn't see how it would drain me. Then I back off to recuperate and he misses me. Another crazy circle... I love who he is already - but not the pessemism. |
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"If you are not with us, you are allies of the terrorists. If you are allies of the terrorists, you need a new government." On Fox live America Unites report at noon. Excuse me?
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Thursday, September 13, 2001 |
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Sometimes when I have had a really good day I can almost forget about the bear. I feel so far away from where he stands - where we used to be. Last night I called him to ask him for a study book, and then told him I was surprised he hadn't called to say sorry. He refused to talk to me. It seems clear he thinks he is right. I feel such a hole where he used to be. As always, though, when I start filling my time with my own achievements, I feel strong. Tonight at class I had a thought drop into my head: that I am intelligent. It shocked me to realise that every moment of every day I go around doubting this. Today I have been seeing reports on the US attacks - and crying for all those people. It makes a joke out of the US that 3 of their supposedly indestructable buildings can be trashed by some guys who jacked planes with only knives. What also shocks me is that none of the passengers on the planes attempted to fight the hi-jackers - but then they had no idea what was to be their fate. ...I just out about all the risks and final calls and attempts to overthrow what was going on. Those poor people.
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Wednesday, September 12, 2001 |
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I'm not afraid | Of anything in this world | There's nothing you can throw at me | That I haven't already heard | I'm just trying to find | A decent melody | A song that I can sing | In my own company | I never thought you were a fool | But darling look at you | You gotta stand up straight | Carry your own weight | These tears are going nowhere baby | You've got to get yourself together | You've got stuck in a moment | And now you can't get out of it | Don't say that later will be better | Now you're stuck in a moment | And you can't get out of it | I will not forsake | The colors that you bring | The nights you filled with fireworks | They left you with nothing | I am still enchanted | By the light you brought to me | I listen through your ears | Through your eyes I can see | And you are such a fool | To worry like you do | I know it's tough | And you can never get enough | Of what you don't really need now | My, oh my | You've got to get yourself together | You've got stuck in a moment | And you can't get out of it | Oh love, look at you now | You've got yourself stuck in a moment | And you can't get out of it | I was unconscious, half asleep | The water is warm 'til you discover how deep | I wasn't jumping, for me it was a fall | It's a long way down to nothing at all | You've got to get yourself together | You've got stuck in a moment | And you can't get out of it | Don't say that later will be better | Now you're stuck in a moment | And you can't get out of it | And if the night runs over | And if the day won't last | And if our way should falter | Along the stony pass | And if the night runs over | And if the day won't last | And if your way should falter | Along this stony pass | It's just a moment | This time will pass | Something | Is about to give | I can feel it coming | I think I know what it is | I'm not afraid to die | I'm not afraid to live | And when I'm flat on my back | I hope to feel like I did | And hardness | It sets in | You need some protection | The thinner the skin | I want you to know | That you don't need me anymore | I want you to know | You don't need anyone | Or anything at all | Who's to say where the wind will take you | Who's to say what it is will break you | I don't know | Which way the wind will blow | Who's to know when the time has come around | Don't want to see you cry | I know that this is not goodbye | It's somewhere I can taste the salty sea | There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze | I wonder what's gonna happen to you | You wonder what has happened to me | I'm a man | I'm not a child | A man who sees | The shadow behind your eyes | Who's to say where the wind will take you | Who's to say what it is | will break you | I don't know | Where the wind will blow | Who's to know when the time has come around | I don't want to see you cry | I know that this is not goodbye | Did I waste it | Not so much I couldn't taste it | Life should be fragrant | Rooftop to the basement | The last of the rocks stars | When hip-hop drove the big cars | In the time when new media | Was the big idea | What was the big idea There are no words - this song is magical. It's too good | it's too nice | she makes me finish too quick | is it love? | no not love | she turns my sexual trick | she says she's mine, i know she lies | first, i scream, then i cry. | take a second of me | you beckon, i'll bleed | she suffocates me | she suffocates me with suggestion | i asked 'do you feel the same?' | and later on, maybe | i'll tell you my real name | she's so good, she's so bad | You understand, I can't expand | Now I could just kill a Man [I can't understand how I could just kill a man] | she's on her knees, i say please | I cross her city lines, she's got brown eyes | i think ahead of you, i think instead of you | will you spend your life with me | And stifle me? | i know why the caged bird sings, i know why... | Forgive and you're forgiven | kingdom come | can you wait for yours, i need to taste some | life's pretty funny, i laugh while she spends my money | she's my freak | i guess i'm weak | you ask what is this? | mind your business | I pass my idle days with my idle ways | 'til the twelfth of always | She walks my hallways | i keep her warm, but we never kiss | she cuts my slender wrists | let's waste some more time [thats worth some more time] | i sign the dotted line | a different level | she-devil | you ask what is this? | mind your business | I pass my idle days with my idle ways | til the twelfth of always | She walks my hallways | i keep her warm but we never kiss | she says i'm weak and immature | but it's cool | i know what money's | for. | Push comes to shove, her tongue's her favourite weapon on attack | i slap her back, she mostly hates me. | can i take off your clothes | before we go out | and when you're helpless, i'll scream and shout | we finish everyday | (well, anyway) | sixty-nine degrees | my head's between your knees. | it's too good | it's too nice | she makes me finish too quick | is it love? | no not love | she turns my sexual trick | she says she's mine, i know she lies | first, i scream, then i cry. | take a second of me | you beckon, i'll bleed | she suffocates me | she suffocates me with suggestion | i asked 'do you feel the same?' | and later on, maybe | i'll tell you my real name | she's so good, she's so bad | You understand, I can't expand | Now I could just kill a Man [I can't understand how I could just kill a man] | she's on her knees, i say please | I cross her city lines, she's got brown eyes | i think ahead of you, i think instead of you | will you spend your life with me and stifle me? | i know why the caged bird sings, i know why... i know why the caged bird sings, i know why... It's raining today. I am excited. My body feels alive again. Today the ticklist starts. I feel a little strange, even though good. As I listen to tricky my mind is cast back to the lounge of my last flat, overlooking over the city, hanging out by myself or with my flatmate. Good times - well, at first. I guess I should have taken the candlelit dinners as a sign - but there were only one or two. Last thing I said to him was "now you can rest in peace" which I think he took as "RIP". He didn't treat me right when I was there and it's true I was angry about him cropping his head up from out of nowhere - after I had time for my emotions to surface. He told me I would never see or hear from him again. Why do I feel even remotely bad about this? Because I feel like I was nice to him to keep the peace when it needed to be. And what's wrong with that. Was I fake? No. I always told him my method of attack if someone was screwing me over would be surprise. He didn't know what to expect from there on in. I guess he had a guilty conscience.... except that he didn't believe in guilt..or maybe it was the fact that he knew he was barring from his thoughts when he was screwing someone over. It's dead, It's gone, why even think about it any more? Why do I have such a problem burying things. Why should I feel so bad about making mistakes - it is more feeling bad about making mistakes and not knowing about them. So it's more about control than anything else. I can't control the thoughts and lives of others - I don't even want to.
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Canada>U.S. AIDS Vaccine Ride It's times like these I wish I lived in the US... Actually - given what just happened at the Pentagon, maybe not. It makes me so angry that anybody anywhere can celebrate the killings of innocent people.
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Tuesday, September 11, 2001 |
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/usr/bin/girl : posted by boxen . | 8:13 AM | |
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Found an old pair of comfy jeans. That's a relief. They feel like new compared to what I have been wearing. Yesterday I had success at the Doctors. He gave me not only a very good certificate, but an excellent lesson in self - study anatomy. I was suitably impressed. I then stumbled to the quiet quarters of Hungry Jacks, nearly getting runover on the way. It was quite surreal - not only was I in suburbia, but my brain was vague with the previous week's lack of food. I have lost quite a bit of weight actually. Suburbia is a horrid place to be. I have always been located in the city. Suburbia, is where intellect is a luxury - and as such, seldom recognised. THAT is what makes it mundane. THAT is what makes it abhorrent. What is most prized to me - means little to those around me here. On the way home from the doctors I was thinking about this, and everything was happening in slow motion. A Tom Cruise look-a-like whistled at me from his car, I looked up at him as he was doing it. It's bizarre to make eye contact on such occasions. There seems no shortage of suburban "stallions" - they are, of course, completely unappealing just because of the commonality they live by. |
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Monday, September 10, 2001 |
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Today I am feeling so much better. It is true that the health is so valuable. I take my health for granted much of the time. I just made a Doctor's appointment for midday. I believe he will give me a certificate - so I can get an extension on the assignment due in today. I hope, I hope. . The Soul Adores Unity, p153 "When you decide to practise inner hospitality, self-torment ceases. The abandoned, neglected and negative selves come into a seamless unity. The soul is wise and subtle. It recognises that unity fosters belonging. The soul adores unity. What you separate, the soul joins." When I come to making moral decisions that I feel not completely in control of ( which is, in fact at the essence of a moral decision, since morality implies other forces, people or entities except self ) -- I falter and hesitate. Then follows a withdrawal into a deep abyss of stasis. Making moral decisions petrify me. And it seems every decision I make is moral, from drinking hot chocolate to choosing the mountain over the road on my bike. It is disturbing that this is the case. My "self-torment" ceases as I live true to what I want. What I want is no fear. This is not the motive I want to run by. What would I prefer? I would prefer freedom and contentment to rule me. Desire, action, achievement. |
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: : m e t a z a n n a h : : r e m i x : : (version 2.0) posted by boxen . | 8:29 PM | |
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Sunday, September 09, 2001 |
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. posted by boxen . | 1:37 PM |
| Today is about my forth or fifth day being sick. I cannot wait to be better and exercising again. In control. I think I remember that. My whole body aches, most horridly, my kidneys and eyes. When I awoke this morning I dreamt of many optimistic things - I had hope, and a great desire to express it in my journals. Then when I get up to write I start feeling sore all over and return to bed. Though, I am happy to have finally found a home online that appeals to my appetite. At least now I can write freely without worrying about the layout. Intimate: To begin with I feel sad. A few days ago my relational life cracked up... again. It happened a few milliseconds after I awoke two days ago. My ex was meant to be taking care of me. I was awoken with a dry sore throat and a confused muddy head. He asked me what I wanted to do that day, to which I hesitated and replied "rest", hesitated, then launched into how I could rest at home or his place, it didn't matter - but how I didn't want to be present for his dinner party that evening (haven't eaten, been throwing up). Sure - it may not have been phrased all that well, but what followed completely amazed me. Now, I have been with my ex for about four years now (on and off relationship) - and sometimes things happen that feel so bad for my soul. This, was one. He went off his nut about how I was untruthful and manipulative and had engineered "the situation" (yes, he was talking about an "incorrect answer" upon waking - to what question he wouldn't tell me). Then he wouldn't let me leave his house until I "explained" myself. I refused to talk again and again - mainly because I was too sick to be able to sustain argument with him. Finally, after having his say about how rotten I am, he gave up. I left crying and when I got home I felt I would die, like my stomach had been torn from me. I am so hurt by this. He showed psychotic behaviour and I no longer have the energy to try and understand.
posted by b at
4:08 AM
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